I.Am.The.Killer

All.Star.Me: Brenna
The.Moon.Is.Down: sixteen years
Witnessed.This.World.On: October 8th, 1986
Cross.Out.The.Eyes: hazel
Tattered.And.Torn.Curtains: dark blonde
How.Long.Is.The.Night?: 5ft 10inches
First.Lost.Love: Daniel Wagner
It.Went.Down.In.Flames.On: October 18th, 2002
On.The.Way.Home: Pevely, Missouri
Better.Off.Alone: single

Gratitude

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Cause I could be your best bet
Let alone your worst ex
And let alone your worst...
I wanna hate you so bad
But I can't stop this
anymore than you can.
You've got this silly way
of keeping me on the edge of my seat...
~ "The Bike Scene" by Taking Back Sunday

	:: Benji		8/06/2003 10:51:00 PM

Make your choice now,
how the cards will be played,
and my emotions will be saved.
The hurt and the burn
in time all I can do is pray I learn
not to dream of belonging to something a little more
than what I've ever deserved before.

The feelings you don't tell me
only give me room to see
that the love you have in your heart
will never be mine in any part.
The nights we spent together were wonderful,
some words we've exchanged have been hurtful,
now all I can do it watch you stress
I want to be there for you during the whole mess.

	:: Benji		8/06/2003 10:50:00 PM

Yesterday would have made one year since I met you.
I was at the show,
wondering when I would see you walk in to the beats of the music.
The lyrics were speaking to my heart like you used to.
But as the music died and the lyrics faded away
I realized that my hope had died with them.
I remember when you promised me you would be at the concert.
Another broken promise for me to hold on to,
because you know I hold on to everything of yours.

I could remember everything from camp then.
The makeshift box holds all memories
that can't be kept in mind.
The woven chain,
broken balloons from my birthday,
the ring that burned a circle on my finger,
a bracelet of guitar strings broke from heartbreak,
the surprise flowers,
and the pictures that were split up long after we had.
The pick on the necklace I wear
is the little bit of you I refuse to put away.
But I've pretty much lost you anyways.

It seemed like you always managed to break my heart
at the same time the seasons changed.
But this is the worst by far...
they always told me that the end of summer
was the season of heartbreaks.
If that's true,
I wish I had met you in the winter.

	:: Benji		6/12/2003 09:14:00 PM

Crying on the church camp bench,
it seems all too repetative.
I've done this for the past six months,
and the first time I've seen you
since February, you don't even
hug me, I'm alone.
My paper is stained
with water from the rain,
mixed with emotions from my tears.
The last six months have been hell,
failure after failure.
Were you the only good I knew?
Are you the only thing here
worth saving?
The cold has turned this old
ring you gave me to ice,
it's burning a circle on my finger.
With my fingers numb from the cold
ripping out my heart wouldn't
hurt as much as normal.
Because the cold and rain has numbed
my hands and heart.

	:: Benji		6/11/2003 10:22:00 PM

I don't want to speand another night alone....
but what choice do I have?
I'm so inspired by you.
I can't get over you.
I'm falling more for you...
and you've been gone close to half a year.
I can't say that I'm over it,
that I've moved on...
remember?
I promised never to lie to you.
Why start now?
What I would give to have you back...
hell, I would do anything.
Anything is better than this,
the pain I put myself through.
I hate myself for being so idiotic,
for being so blind to see what I was throwing away.
Why the hell am I always so dumb?
Why did I have to think of you now?
Why did you all of a sudden pop back into my mind?
I swear, it happens on purpose...
my mind is out to get me.
I don't want to say this...
but what choice do I have?
I'll swallow my pride and get this over with....
I sound so weak and pathetic saying this but....
Damn it, you own my heart.

	:: Benji		6/11/2003 10:17:00 PM

Is this the song that I will write for you?
Don't you know how many times I've said that?
When you went away
I cried all day,
cried myself to sleep.
Here I am, almost a month later
still singing the same song,
singing about how much I still want you back.

Can you blame me
for waiting around for you?
You up and left me,
my heart bleeding on the ground
right where it was torn out.
But I still pick up my guitar
and sing about how I miss you.
I'm losing conciousness quickly,
will this be the last song I write for you?

I'm singing about the day I met you,
it quickly turned cold
My wet hair froze,
but I saw you and felt warm enough to set fire.
The cold doesn't phase me,
but why am I shivering around you?

Can you blame me
for waiting around for you?
You up and left me,
my heart bleeding on the ground
right where it was torn out.
But I still pick up my guitar
and sing about how I miss you.
I'm losing conciousness quickly,
will this be the last song I write for you?

Now I'm lying here,
my heart and soul pouring out
mixing with the blood from my torn heart.
The strings of my guitar are stained in red
I'm feeling light headed,
but not the way you make me feel.
I collapse to the ground,
ending the last song I wrote for you.

	:: Benji		6/11/2003 10:16:00 PM

The nights seem so long in the summer,
Iwant to reach out for you,
but the open expanse of the sky is my boundary.

Damn the luck
That I'm stuck in repeat
with our old song.
The night sky is laughing at me.
Taunting me, I know I'm alone.

I woke up this morning
to the cold sheets and tear-stained pillow sheets.
It's been too long since the side of my bed was warm,
but then again, it was always cold after you left.
Just think of it as going away for a long time.

Sleeping away the anniversary of the day we met
Doesn't seem fitting for the end of something so great
Forcing myself to live in hell
for the crimes I've commited.

The day we first laughed together
letting the stress out
Spring days are always lonely now,
and spring nights are always cold.
Without you and the fire.

	:: Benji		6/11/2003 10:11:00 PM

I was thinking,
thinking...
And I thought
"What was I thinking when I let you go?"
I was thinking,
thinking...
and while the thoughts raced
my emotions made a baracade
and the tears overflowed.

Maybe I was thinking too loud
because now you know
and you make me feel like a fool.
The sun coming through the window pane
makes your eyes seem even brighter...
and as the rain drips after the storm
reflecting the receading clouds in your eyes.
The sun's coming out,
and I'm here to greet it in your eyes.

Sleepless nights only result in more questions,
I wonder what you're thinking about right now...
And although you're only a few cabins away...
it's even further including the space in our hearts.

Crumbled papers hold evidence
of sleepless nights spend writting...
composing songs to tell you
"Here's what I ment, but I never said."
But is there any song worthy of giving to you?
That you can call your own?
Because I want to give you something,
something so much more...

When I said I missed you
I ment I missed YOU,
not the person standing here now...
And as we talk,
I can see the fireworks from memories of long ago,
spent lying in your arms
and the colors painting the sky your favourite color.

Because here's what I ment, but I never said.

	:: Benji		6/11/2003 03:35:00 PM

Early morning spent lying asleep
in the bus seat,
right next to you.
A constant poking in the side
reminds me that I do exist,
and you aren't a dream.


Walking through the grey haze
that hangs in the hallways of high school,
waiting for the cahnce to break out.
You grab my hand and say,
"Let's run away together."
Answering my prayers,
we're leaving the halls of this prision far behind.



Counting the hours from after school
to when I'd have an excuse to see you again.
I wait for you after practice,
almost expecting a lack of enthusiasm.
Pulling up energy from hidden reserves
you're able to give me that classic grin,
making me smile,
only if it's to make you happy.



Driving you home
silence builds up in the car.
Although I thought it was awkward,
but the comforting warmth
of your hand on mine made me feel more at home.
Looking out the window
scanning the sunset and brightening stars,
they reflect in your eyes as they switch
from sweet, baby blue
to deepening royal blue.
You're eyes always reminded me
of the changing tides at sea.


Almost relectant to let you go,
it feels like I'm holding on to you
like the moon holding on to the light
before the eclipse.
The lids closing over your eyes,
tells me that this eclipse in judgement
is almost over.
Letting our arms slide around each other
as soft as the fading light from the moon
your lips touch mine.
I feel my stomach falling through like a meteor to the earth below us.
After you've pulled away,
the light comes back to the eternal moon.


The eclipse is over... and I got the best view.